What I love about this story (and I have heard it on a podcast) is that these parents were brave enough to admit they were wrong. That is not easy! I also appreciate that they are explaining where they were coming from. As a non-affirming parent of a trans-identified teen, I sometimes wonder how any parent can see their child as being the opposite sex based on either stereotypes or a confused statement from a child. It simply makes no sense to me. However, this parent explains that she conflated the entire idea of "transgenderism" with being gay, and just wanted to be supportive and open-minded. Congratulations to both parents for getting out of what could be described as the newest form of a cult, without a charismatic leader, but with the same types of arbitrary, harsh rules and rejection of anyone who questions the narrative, that preys upon the vulnerable (which includes children, struggling teens and young adults, and a lesbian parent who was not fully accepting by her own family). This needs to stop, and parents like these can really make a difference.
100%. This whole "trans" movement is awful for kids and adults alike, whether they're gay or straight. People need to learn that stereotypes and clothes don't make someone a man/woman--a lesson something that far too many of us are learning too late.
And you continue being non-affirming. My parents never affirmed my "trans" identity, and though they made several mistakes, it was the right decision. They let me grow out of it and learn about the world for myself. They took the "watchful waiting" approach.
One recommendation I'd have for helping your trans teen heal is casually watching a cult documentary with him/her. For some reason "trans" kids are into cult/occult/esoteric things (I have no idea why), and for me, watching docs about Jonestown and Heaven's Gate helped me snap out of this whole ideology.
Great illustrative story. It links to one I call :Knowing Gay
I had a southern friend who was an ultra-christianist, children in a christian school, earth was 6000 years old, the entire belief system. She had a great sense of humor, very smart and brilliant in work, and a good friend in many personal senses. And I was a left wing gay man, married in Europe decades before the US. No mysteries.
She had a son that she seemed to worry about more than others, at least he came up in conversations that way. She shared his latest achievement in one conversation had been in musical theatre (age 10), which was not football or fishing like her other boys. I finally said after that revelation among many, “Well, you know he’s probably gay.”
Without missing a beat, she said “No, that’s not possible,” and went on to explain how he liked girls a lot. In fact most of his friends were girls. At age 10. And most of his friends had always been girls. “And he’s so well behaved.” Didn’t cause a peep of trouble, not like the other rowdy boys. “And he’s a wonderful communicator,” would talk about his dinner conversations and high grades in English. His teachers loved him. He also did the best in Christian studies of all her children.
I said “When he comes out gay, it’s up to you as his mother with your husband to make sure he always has a loving family even though you may not be overjoyed with his nature.” She certainly knew I was gay, and married, and it never seemed to cause her an instants pause.
“Oh he’s not gay, he loves his momma.”
I find that gay men’s radar works very well. In fact, it’s almost as good as reading a kid as adults. Stories like these that make me wish that more people had gay friends to help them identify and navigate the inner life of their gay kids, since they are oblivious to it. There should be a big sign for parents:
I'm amazed why a bunch of straights for some reason think in order to be gay, you have to: A) hate your parents, and/or B) hate the opposite sex. Ironically, they do this while completely ignoring the fact that they themselves may hate their parents and members of the opposite sex.
It’s strange isn’t it. It’s mostly straight children who dislike the opposite sex, and rebel. All the gay boys I know/knew had (and have) lots of female friends; it’s often a feature of being gay usually in childhood of close friendships with the opposite sex, and can be a subject of persecution. Teachers’ pets and mommas’ boys don’t refer to rebels. Habitually well groomed boys and men look gay in photographs - an AI can see it easily, a fascinating trick, part of gaydar.
What most people [perhaps most straight parents] don’t grasp is that there are two versions of relationships which can look the same but be entirely different in their motivation. This was the mistake my friend made. Gay boys can like to be with girls because they dislike rough and tumble play with boys; it’s more being repelled by A than attraction to B. If you don’t enjoy boy play, the only other children you meet are girls, so it looks like attraction to girls.
However, once the gay boy or lesbian girl meets others like themselves, their play and interest tends to becomes highly oriented to the same sex.
Nature does that over and over - what appears to be an attractive force to A is actually a repulsive force from B.
This was true for me in my interactions with girls. Growing up, I stopped playing with other girls because I hated their learned pettiness and played with boys because they were on my wavelength. As time went on, however, I definitely went back to more female-oriented spaces.
I also love the idea of AI having a better gaydar than most human beings. They can't generate a pair of hands or an image of a human eating a pizza, but the radar never fails!
I feel awkward about writing about lesbians, but you and I are I are are in precisely the same wavelength. I have so many acquaintances im the last 60 years who said exactly what you have.
Don’t underestimate AI. I’ve been generating a series of what I call “AI Autobiographies”, an AI writing a 150-200 page Autobiography in the style or voice of a gay writer or Historic Figure - Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde, Truman Capote, Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Michelangelo, Gertrude Stein, Susan Sontag… 100% synthetic with one AI directing another AI for chapter illustrations. Gorgeous.
The AI Autobiography of Muhammed Ali illustrated by Kehinde Wiley is quite moving.
I also have the synthetic “Gay Guide To…” books, and “Collecting Vintage Gay Art” illustations licensed for cards. It’s a fabulous tool. (Gay Guide to Bodybuilding, to the Bible (!) etc.) highly entertaining.
Yeah, Americans have a huge family issue. It's been suggested that it's something to do with Protestantism, interestingly enough, as it promotes individualism. But of course, you can have too much of a good thing.
The author's story is joyful. She and her partner didn't recognize how their actions affected their child, but eventually it felt wrong and they became part of the solution. A wonderful solution for their child, who can now live authentically.
Most parents of trans kids have similar stories in reverse: kids pretend they're just like the cisgender kids around them until it becomes too uncomfortable for them to keep denying. This is why standards of care are what they are. Denying care most trans-identifying kids need in order to "save" the small minority whose stories are like this one is irresponsible.
"In a statement on 4 June reported by Norway’s NTB news agency, the directorate suggested that puberty blockers or hormones might be made available to minors only through the specialised health service.2 Guldvog told the news agency that national changes could lead to “stricter requirements” for giving hormone treatment to children, suggesting that Norway would follow national guidance in Finland, Sweden, and the UK to limit such treatment in minors to clinical research."
What I love about this story (and I have heard it on a podcast) is that these parents were brave enough to admit they were wrong. That is not easy! I also appreciate that they are explaining where they were coming from. As a non-affirming parent of a trans-identified teen, I sometimes wonder how any parent can see their child as being the opposite sex based on either stereotypes or a confused statement from a child. It simply makes no sense to me. However, this parent explains that she conflated the entire idea of "transgenderism" with being gay, and just wanted to be supportive and open-minded. Congratulations to both parents for getting out of what could be described as the newest form of a cult, without a charismatic leader, but with the same types of arbitrary, harsh rules and rejection of anyone who questions the narrative, that preys upon the vulnerable (which includes children, struggling teens and young adults, and a lesbian parent who was not fully accepting by her own family). This needs to stop, and parents like these can really make a difference.
100%. This whole "trans" movement is awful for kids and adults alike, whether they're gay or straight. People need to learn that stereotypes and clothes don't make someone a man/woman--a lesson something that far too many of us are learning too late.
And you continue being non-affirming. My parents never affirmed my "trans" identity, and though they made several mistakes, it was the right decision. They let me grow out of it and learn about the world for myself. They took the "watchful waiting" approach.
One recommendation I'd have for helping your trans teen heal is casually watching a cult documentary with him/her. For some reason "trans" kids are into cult/occult/esoteric things (I have no idea why), and for me, watching docs about Jonestown and Heaven's Gate helped me snap out of this whole ideology.
Thanks for the advice. I will see if I can happen to be watching one of those documentaries when she comes in the living room.
Great illustrative story. It links to one I call :Knowing Gay
I had a southern friend who was an ultra-christianist, children in a christian school, earth was 6000 years old, the entire belief system. She had a great sense of humor, very smart and brilliant in work, and a good friend in many personal senses. And I was a left wing gay man, married in Europe decades before the US. No mysteries.
She had a son that she seemed to worry about more than others, at least he came up in conversations that way. She shared his latest achievement in one conversation had been in musical theatre (age 10), which was not football or fishing like her other boys. I finally said after that revelation among many, “Well, you know he’s probably gay.”
Without missing a beat, she said “No, that’s not possible,” and went on to explain how he liked girls a lot. In fact most of his friends were girls. At age 10. And most of his friends had always been girls. “And he’s so well behaved.” Didn’t cause a peep of trouble, not like the other rowdy boys. “And he’s a wonderful communicator,” would talk about his dinner conversations and high grades in English. His teachers loved him. He also did the best in Christian studies of all her children.
I said “When he comes out gay, it’s up to you as his mother with your husband to make sure he always has a loving family even though you may not be overjoyed with his nature.” She certainly knew I was gay, and married, and it never seemed to cause her an instants pause.
“Oh he’s not gay, he loves his momma.”
I find that gay men’s radar works very well. In fact, it’s almost as good as reading a kid as adults. Stories like these that make me wish that more people had gay friends to help them identify and navigate the inner life of their gay kids, since they are oblivious to it. There should be a big sign for parents:
“He’s Just Gay” or “She’s Just Lesbian”
It would be so much easier for everyone.
I'm amazed why a bunch of straights for some reason think in order to be gay, you have to: A) hate your parents, and/or B) hate the opposite sex. Ironically, they do this while completely ignoring the fact that they themselves may hate their parents and members of the opposite sex.
It’s strange isn’t it. It’s mostly straight children who dislike the opposite sex, and rebel. All the gay boys I know/knew had (and have) lots of female friends; it’s often a feature of being gay usually in childhood of close friendships with the opposite sex, and can be a subject of persecution. Teachers’ pets and mommas’ boys don’t refer to rebels. Habitually well groomed boys and men look gay in photographs - an AI can see it easily, a fascinating trick, part of gaydar.
What most people [perhaps most straight parents] don’t grasp is that there are two versions of relationships which can look the same but be entirely different in their motivation. This was the mistake my friend made. Gay boys can like to be with girls because they dislike rough and tumble play with boys; it’s more being repelled by A than attraction to B. If you don’t enjoy boy play, the only other children you meet are girls, so it looks like attraction to girls.
However, once the gay boy or lesbian girl meets others like themselves, their play and interest tends to becomes highly oriented to the same sex.
Nature does that over and over - what appears to be an attractive force to A is actually a repulsive force from B.
That’s only one part of gaydar.
This was true for me in my interactions with girls. Growing up, I stopped playing with other girls because I hated their learned pettiness and played with boys because they were on my wavelength. As time went on, however, I definitely went back to more female-oriented spaces.
I also love the idea of AI having a better gaydar than most human beings. They can't generate a pair of hands or an image of a human eating a pizza, but the radar never fails!
I feel awkward about writing about lesbians, but you and I are I are are in precisely the same wavelength. I have so many acquaintances im the last 60 years who said exactly what you have.
Don’t underestimate AI. I’ve been generating a series of what I call “AI Autobiographies”, an AI writing a 150-200 page Autobiography in the style or voice of a gay writer or Historic Figure - Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde, Truman Capote, Gore Vidal, James Baldwin, Michelangelo, Gertrude Stein, Susan Sontag… 100% synthetic with one AI directing another AI for chapter illustrations. Gorgeous.
The AI Autobiography of Muhammed Ali illustrated by Kehinde Wiley is quite moving.
I also have the synthetic “Gay Guide To…” books, and “Collecting Vintage Gay Art” illustations licensed for cards. It’s a fabulous tool. (Gay Guide to Bodybuilding, to the Bible (!) etc.) highly entertaining.
This is also very Anglo....maybe especially American. In Latin countries, you love your family. Period.
Yeah, Americans have a huge family issue. It's been suggested that it's something to do with Protestantism, interestingly enough, as it promotes individualism. But of course, you can have too much of a good thing.
The author's story is joyful. She and her partner didn't recognize how their actions affected their child, but eventually it felt wrong and they became part of the solution. A wonderful solution for their child, who can now live authentically.
Most parents of trans kids have similar stories in reverse: kids pretend they're just like the cisgender kids around them until it becomes too uncomfortable for them to keep denying. This is why standards of care are what they are. Denying care most trans-identifying kids need in order to "save" the small minority whose stories are like this one is irresponsible.
I just saw this:
"In a statement on 4 June reported by Norway’s NTB news agency, the directorate suggested that puberty blockers or hormones might be made available to minors only through the specialised health service.2 Guldvog told the news agency that national changes could lead to “stricter requirements” for giving hormone treatment to children, suggesting that Norway would follow national guidance in Finland, Sweden, and the UK to limit such treatment in minors to clinical research."
https://www.bmj.com/content/382/bmj.p1572
I take it you know that your son, who is effeminate, will likely grow up to be gay and leave at least some, to much, of his effeminacy behind.
Do you have any gay male friends? What do they say?
BTW, Was it ever discussed with any medical professional, thereapist, etc how you go about telling whether a child is gay or transgender?