As a gay man in his 40s, I'm no stranger to painfully slogging through a world that largely and often misunderstands individual realities that don't match its collective norm. So it's no great shock to learn that I'm a hard-earned liberal who believes people should be supported as they are. Not everyone has to warmly include us in their everyday actions, but they don't have to. It's enough for any barriers they would erect against our equal treatment be denied. The rest will shake itself out.
But just because I'm a liberal doesn't mean I've lost all my common sense, and that includes the trans sphere. Now I certainly believe that there genuinely are trans people. Having lived my own minority journey, I believe those people should be supported, protected from predation and discrimination, and treated with respect. End of story. Every one of those people were probably also gender-dysphoric kids; I can't imagine that struggle (mine were hard enough).
But a vocal and vociferous extremist segment of the left would have us believe that young kids who think they might be trans should simply and unceremoniously be transitioned, no questions asked. In fact, to ask any questions at all would be to elicit a violent rhetorical response. I think this is dangerous and irresponsible. While some of those kids may actually grow up to be trans, these are CHILDREN. Children with underdeveloped psyches and grossly incomplete concepts of who they are and what they might become. Children who are capriciously moved by the whims of social media, their peers, entertainment, societal pressures, and the internal currents of their own weird and wacky brains. And now we're just going to completely turn over the reins to their physical evolution because their nascent, mercurial identities have an IDEA? When they're playing the tuba one week and wanting to scuba dive the next?
That's why it was so refreshing to read Pamela Paul's op-ed in your paper. The extremist wing of the liberal continuum has silenced any and all discussion of this issue through shame and bullying. Anyone daring to pose a question or raise a caution is immediately excoriated—and that includes many of us (like myself) who not only are allies but also active, vested participants in this cluster of issues. It's madness.
Questioning kids who become adults have every right to make those decisions for themselves. But there are so many issues that could potentially contribute to thoughts of alternate identities that have nothing to do with actually being trans: trauma-induced self-loathing, social anxiety, abuse, and any number of unrelated mental disorders (note I am NOT saying actually being trans is a mental disorder). Changing the destiny of our physical avatars BEFORE WE KNOW FOR SURE just seems like a setup for disaster for some of these people, who will end up making irrevocable alterations to the only bodies they will ever have.
We can't even rely on kids' answers about what they want to eat or if they have to go to the bathroom. Now we're blithely trusting them to know what sexual organs they want, to consent to all repercussions of the transitioning process, and to agree to engage in the lifelong consequences of eventual reassignment surgery? That sounds insane, and someone has to say it.
Thank you for providing a crack in the door to that conversation, even (and especially) as a large majority of your readers is liberal. Just as many on the right are extreme in their views on this issue, so are the fringes on the other end of the spectrum.
I am a mother of a gender confused daughter who has been diagnosed with pre-adoption trauma and other mental health disorders related to said trauma. I wish to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners.
I agree with Paul that gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. Our daughter went from boy crazy to bisexual to lesbian to trans in a span of 6 weeks. Her friends who also identified as trans convinced her that she was born in the wrong body. And from there her mental health spiraled downward and thrust her into a dark pace. For the first 6 months we had therapists who only affirmed her male identity, which made everything much worse. It wasn't until we found a psychologist who specializes in body dysmorphia that things began to turn around. Our daughter's emotional health is much better and she has reconnected with us. We see her desistig from the male identity. Her friends, however, have gone on to hormones and mastectomies, and one of them is in a wheelchair because the combination of breast binding for 5 years and the muscle mass produced by testosterone has compromised her delicate skeletal structure.
Don't get me wrong. I am a lifelong Democrat who believes that transsexuals deserve respect and compassion. However, the spike in people - especially young people - identifying as trans should give us pause for concern about how they are being treated, and why their underlying mental comorbidities are being discounted.
As a decades long subscriber to the NYT who more than once considered ending the subscription, I am heartened by this piece and sincerely hope that the NYT will continue to show courage in supporting journalists like Paul. We need writers to do true investigative work on this issue. There are currently 11 lawsuits filed by detransitioners in the US and more are coming. Please don't let the vocal minority continue to kick detransitioners to the curb. They too deserve our respect and compassion.
One of my favorite results from this fantastic and long-overdue article: hearing from progressive friends who have been slowly learning about this topic over the past few years because they trusted me enough to start learning the truth. "Hey, did you see this in the NYT?" The friends who are true friends, who didn't require this article to validate a point of view that anyone with courage and seeking truth would find. I'm glad they linked to your Substack, congratulations on your work!
I reached out to Pamela Paul to thank her. My book, The Trans Train: A Parent's Perspective on Transgender Medicalization and Ideology came out at the same time! That timing was fortunate because it paved the way for what my book has to say.
I am a lesbian and I am writing to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners. Like Paul, I, too, believe gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. I have been disheartened to see one-sided coverage of LGBT issues and this article is a step in the right direction. I have taken issue with the overwhelming tendency of the NYT to publish articles tracking “anti-LGBT bills”. Pamela Paul’s piece illustrates why the characterization of “anti-LGBT bills” is unfair — many of these bills actually protect people, especially LGB youth and women. We need evidence and science around these new medical interventions that have astounding, irreversible, life-altering consequences for the youth who receive them. Current studies do not meet the typical burden of evidence required to approve pediatric treatment. This is a serious issue and the NYT has a responsibility to cover it neutrally and accurately. Our youth deserve it.
I will consider resubscribing to the NYT if it continues to publish articles like these.
I submitted a letter thanking them and telling them my "5-minute pitch" version of my personal experience with a daughter who identifies as trans. I hope more articles like this get posted.
I am the mother of a trans-identified teen, and have been researching the issues surrounding medical transition for close to 5 years now.
I wanted to thank you for publishing the Opinions piece by Pamela Paul entitled Gender Dysphoric Kids Deserve Better Care." It is about time that we highlight the painful lessons learned by detransitioners, and the warnings of experts in the field.
It is important to explain that these same experts (people like Stephanie Winn and Sasha Ayad) have had to endure challenges to their professional licenses for merely speaking their concerns about kneejerk "affirmation," despite both the young age of those claiming a trans-identity and the frequency of co-morbidities (including a high incidence of those on the autism spectrum) and complicated issues involved (including same-sex attraction). Because experts who speak out risk their careers, we do not hear enough about the downside of the "affirmation only" theory of treating the exploding numbers of young people reporting confusion or distress over their sex.
It is also important to note that other countries, who have been ahead of the United States in fashioning treatments for gender dysphoria, have realized, based on systematic reviews of the scientific studies on this issue, that there is no scientific basis for the claim that social and medical transition are a necessary path to happier, healthier young people.
It is my sincere hope to see more such articles in the New York Times, which has always been at the forefront of informing the public about the realities of social, political and scientific issues.
I could not be more grateful to those of you who are organized and working so hard to get this into the mainstream media. Thank you for all that you do and for the support you have give us parents who are living the daily nightmare of watching a child go through this. It is such a complex issue and you are handling it with so much grace.
Here is what I wrote:
I am writing as a parent of a trans identifying teen to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners.
I am in agreement with Ms. Paul that gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. It is essential that parents, teachers, therapists, legislators, and anyone in positions of power understand that gender care is complex and not one-size fits all. It is a dangerous business that is being cloaked in kindness.
One aspect that is so critical for people to understand is the power of social media over our children. My child had no indication of discomfort in her body. She was the happiest child out of my three children; carefree, confident and joyful. Until that first year of having a phone in 6th grade, followed by a world-stopping pandemic for 7th and 8th grade.
By the end of all that she had convinced herself, with the help of several hundred TikTok videos (and Instagram, Pinterest, anime and fandom influences) that she was trans. It made no sense to us based on the child we had raised (and for that I am grateful because had she been a gender non-conforming child, there is a far greater chance that we would have affirmed the new identity, started her on puberty blockers and set her on a path of being a lifelong medical patient).
It took over a year for me to find any information other than Abigail Shrier’s book that resonated with the experience we were having. Everything out there (including therapists we had trusted for years to treat our daughter’s ADHD) said that if we did not affirm, our child might commit suicide. What a choice! We were terrified and affirmed the new name and pronouns.
Since then, we have watched our child’s mental health take a nosedive. How does a 13-year old process when a trusted psychiatrist agrees that you are born in the wrong body rather than working on how you came to that idea? (this happened during the 10 minute check-in for ADHD meds.) Gender is a confusing topic to grapple with for families. Either you affirm all of it and set your child on a path that may not be right for them (and has lifelong consequences) or you try to work on the issues that led your child to this conclusion. In the meantime, the influences your child sees tell them that if their parents don’t affirm the trans identity then they are transphobic and not to be trusted. Those influences include the mainstream media and all of the places I used to go to for trusted information. I know that her father and I love her fiercely and we will do anything we can to prevent her from harming herself even if that means that we have to be seen as the bad guys for a while.
This New York Times article is the first I have seen of mainstream media being bold enough to tackle this complex issue. PLEASE, I beg you. Do not back down. I am sure it took a lot of courage to do this. We need people out there telling the truth. Right now, teachers and therapists all think they are doing the right thing by affirming gender identity and asking for pronouns and preferred names. They think it is kind and inclusive without taking into account the enormous impact that social media has had on these kids. I am one of those teachers. Had it not affected our life in such a profound way, I know that I would not understand the other side of this. I would not think to dig deeper. Please dig deeper and expose this for what it is and help families regain the connections they had before gender broke it all down. We need you in this with us. We rely on you to help the mainstream understand what is going on and what is at stake.
As a parent of a vulnerable teenager who has been swept up in something that would never have crossed her mind had it not been introduced in school and reinforced over and over again on her phone, I am grateful to all of you at the New York Times, in particular Pamela Paul, for doing true investigative work on this incredibly complex issue.
Here's what I emailed this morning, Saturday, the 10th, to the Times:
<<To the editor:
As an 80 year old gay man who had a difficult struggle accepting being gay, I had to thank the 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 for publishing Ms Paul's recent op-ed on the difficulties and uncertainties facing children with questions regarding their sexual identification and the parents, health care professionals, and other adults who care for them. I vividly remember being emotionally torn at age 12 or so by emerging attractions for which I had no preparation at all but which I knew were not acceptable. I had heard of "queers", of course, but thought they were some sort of mythical creature, something like vampires. I must be the only real one in the world.
What has alarmed me most seriously about the debate about best practices in the care and treatment of youngsters expressing unconventional sexual behaviors or feelings is seeing the long term studies of pubescent children showing signs and symptoms of gender dysphoria (GD) and concluding that 70 to 90 percent of them will mature into perfectly ordinary gay or lesbian teens, 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 the adults caring for them do not interfere by administering opposite sex hormones or drugs approved for cancer treatment such as GnRHa but used here off-label. What frightens me is the memory of thinking at that age, among several theories I invented trying to account for what I was feeling, was that I was in some inexplicable way "really" a girl. After all, only girls are attracted to boys, or so I thought. Fortunately, I read in one of my mother's old college Psychology textbooks that a significant minority of boys, perhaps a third of them or so, experiment with same-sex activities but grow out of it. That fact gave me an explanation for my turmoil I could accept at least for a few years until, that is, I had to admit to myself I was not "growing out of it".
My experience convinces me that individuals who grow up entirely in an ordinary, conventional heterosexual way cannot, 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘭𝘦, even imagine what It is like for kids growing up with sexual minority feelings and attractions. They certainly would not have the preposterous idea that "the kids know who they are." Given that even the most enthusiastic proponents of aggressive "affirming" treatment of minors will admit there is no way to predict whether a suspected GD or non-conforming minor will grow up gay/lesbian or trans, the utmost caution must be applied before starting any treatment with largely unknown, poorly studied long-term side effects. At present, every report would show that such caution is not being exercised, to the contrary, that there is a head-long rush into treatments with huge risks and far from certain benefits.
Yours truly,
John Robert
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android>>
Sadly, this morning, I also saw an item on ABC News that read like a regurgitation of all the propaganda of the most extreme trans ideologues.
Rats! Just received acknowledgement from the Times. It says, "To be considered for publication, letters should include the writer’s name, address, current location (where you are writing from) and daytime and evening phone numbers at your current location (for verification, not publication). " I looked for such instructions but failed to find them.
am writing as a mother of a transgender identified teen to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners, “As Kids, They Thought They Were Trans. They No Longer Do.” Given the speed at which American gender dysphphoric youth are moved through ‘Gender Affirming Care’ toward puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and surgeries, many families could have benefitted from more articles like this much earlier on.
As Pamela Paul demonstrates, the topic is complex and the dominant narrative is misleading. Three years ago, I thought I understood this topic. I thought it was simply about about kindness, acceptance, and inclusivity (or lack thereof). And then my own kid announced a trans identity out of the blue, and only then did I realize how much I didn't know. I found my way to alternative narratives that made more sense based on our family's experience, but I know that many kids and their families were not so lucky.
The voices of detransitioners are providing critical context, and increasingly, doctors, therapists, researchers and other professionals are refusing to stay quiet about what they know to be true. I sincerely hope The New York Times will continue to make space for such voices, so that we can have the fullest picture possible in order to make informed decisions and hold experts accountable. Surely, that is still what newspapers are for?
I am a lifelong Democrat (but maybe not for much longer, due to this gender craze), as well as the mother of a gender confused daughter who is now on her way to desisting from a trans identity these last few years. This is no thanks to the liberal world that we inhabit, but my instinct as a parent knew to find the common sense and critical thinking that is out there.
It's been hard to find, but people like Pamela Paul, Bari Weiss, Lisa Selin-Davis, Jesse Singal, Meghan Daum, Helen Joyce, Hannah Barnes and a few others have been the beacon of light in this gender fogged media world. I have been disappointed with you in the past NYT, for stoking this belief that this is a political fight between the compassionate left and the cruel right. I used to consider myself a progressive liberal until the transgender movement entered my house - my 13 year old lonely and confused autistic daughter. The media that I had relied on for years betrayed me with the extremely biased reporting on this issue - never mentioning parents like me (non-republicans against medicalizing children), or detransitioners, or the doctors and scientists and therapists voicing concerns, or the many medical harms and complications that befall these children and young adults.
I have even unsubscribed to the NYT, a couple of times I believe, over bad reporting on this issue. As a subscriber now though, I wanted to write today and tell you how grateful I am that you had the courage to do the right thing and print Pamela Paul's brilliant and comprehensive article. I know you and she are getting an immense amount of pushback, as I'm sure you expected. But you have finally represented the other sides to this story. It felt like you were talking about me, a liberal parent fighting for the health of her kid. I cannot thank you enough and I really really hope you will continue to print more and more truthful and fact based articles regarding common sense people against medicalizing gender in children. By the looks of the comments on these articles, that is what your audience wants too.
Email sent! I have no trans family, only my children’s friends (increasing by the week/month!) but I’m watching the ideology take a grip on the culture like a virus, doing horrific damage, choking out free speech, women’s rights, taking children’s innocence and freedom to be children, taking healthy bodies and minds. I find it unbelievable how brainwashed many of my good friends have become with all the relentless rainbow diversity and inclusion training. It is truly a masterful propaganda campaign. I love your Substack and I watch all your interviews :-) keep up the great work!
I am a lesbian, a mother, a grandmother and a woman who cares about the wellbeing of children. I want to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s OpEd on detransitioning because it is a topic that deserves serious exposure and conversation. Many young people have been and are being harmed by gender ideology and transition. We don’t speak about it because we do not want to hurt or offend, lose our jobs, our businesses or our following. But the cost of not speaking up deepens the cultural divide and further harms confused children.
Gender affirming care is a form of “gay conversion therapy” and should not be happening to young children or teens. I have met several young women who transitioned before they realized they were lesbians. They are hurt and angry at the lack of counseling they got and now live with the life long consequences of deep voice, facial hair, no breasts and no support from the trans community.
If we can’t acknowledge a problem, we can’t begin to fix it. Fortunately, you, the NY Times, were brave enough to print something that exposes a serious harm being done to young people. I know there will be pushback because those who embrace gender ideology have zero tolerance for exposing or questioning the harm done by gender affirmation. They waste no time in affirming and transitioning, with little concern for long term wellbeing.
I hope your paper will continue to show courage in these difficult times. When the media is not free to cover controversy, freedom of thought and expression are compromised. This OpEd is a step in the right direction and hopefully you will support more investigative work on the impact of gender ideology and how it affects young people and women. And depending on how brave you want to be, please consider exposing the medical, psychiatric and pharmaceutical role in promoting and benefiting from gender affirmation. I think people would be interested.
Thank you so much for bringing this article to my attention. I have recently started following you on substack and am so grateful for your courageous work. I am so happy the author included your interview. Well done. I emailed NY Times as well. Keep up the good work.
I submitted the following:
As a gay man in his 40s, I'm no stranger to painfully slogging through a world that largely and often misunderstands individual realities that don't match its collective norm. So it's no great shock to learn that I'm a hard-earned liberal who believes people should be supported as they are. Not everyone has to warmly include us in their everyday actions, but they don't have to. It's enough for any barriers they would erect against our equal treatment be denied. The rest will shake itself out.
But just because I'm a liberal doesn't mean I've lost all my common sense, and that includes the trans sphere. Now I certainly believe that there genuinely are trans people. Having lived my own minority journey, I believe those people should be supported, protected from predation and discrimination, and treated with respect. End of story. Every one of those people were probably also gender-dysphoric kids; I can't imagine that struggle (mine were hard enough).
But a vocal and vociferous extremist segment of the left would have us believe that young kids who think they might be trans should simply and unceremoniously be transitioned, no questions asked. In fact, to ask any questions at all would be to elicit a violent rhetorical response. I think this is dangerous and irresponsible. While some of those kids may actually grow up to be trans, these are CHILDREN. Children with underdeveloped psyches and grossly incomplete concepts of who they are and what they might become. Children who are capriciously moved by the whims of social media, their peers, entertainment, societal pressures, and the internal currents of their own weird and wacky brains. And now we're just going to completely turn over the reins to their physical evolution because their nascent, mercurial identities have an IDEA? When they're playing the tuba one week and wanting to scuba dive the next?
That's why it was so refreshing to read Pamela Paul's op-ed in your paper. The extremist wing of the liberal continuum has silenced any and all discussion of this issue through shame and bullying. Anyone daring to pose a question or raise a caution is immediately excoriated—and that includes many of us (like myself) who not only are allies but also active, vested participants in this cluster of issues. It's madness.
Questioning kids who become adults have every right to make those decisions for themselves. But there are so many issues that could potentially contribute to thoughts of alternate identities that have nothing to do with actually being trans: trauma-induced self-loathing, social anxiety, abuse, and any number of unrelated mental disorders (note I am NOT saying actually being trans is a mental disorder). Changing the destiny of our physical avatars BEFORE WE KNOW FOR SURE just seems like a setup for disaster for some of these people, who will end up making irrevocable alterations to the only bodies they will ever have.
We can't even rely on kids' answers about what they want to eat or if they have to go to the bathroom. Now we're blithely trusting them to know what sexual organs they want, to consent to all repercussions of the transitioning process, and to agree to engage in the lifelong consequences of eventual reassignment surgery? That sounds insane, and someone has to say it.
Thank you for providing a crack in the door to that conversation, even (and especially) as a large majority of your readers is liberal. Just as many on the right are extreme in their views on this issue, so are the fringes on the other end of the spectrum.
Sincerely,
JMA
Here is what I wrote:
Dear New York Times
I am a mother of a gender confused daughter who has been diagnosed with pre-adoption trauma and other mental health disorders related to said trauma. I wish to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners.
I agree with Paul that gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. Our daughter went from boy crazy to bisexual to lesbian to trans in a span of 6 weeks. Her friends who also identified as trans convinced her that she was born in the wrong body. And from there her mental health spiraled downward and thrust her into a dark pace. For the first 6 months we had therapists who only affirmed her male identity, which made everything much worse. It wasn't until we found a psychologist who specializes in body dysmorphia that things began to turn around. Our daughter's emotional health is much better and she has reconnected with us. We see her desistig from the male identity. Her friends, however, have gone on to hormones and mastectomies, and one of them is in a wheelchair because the combination of breast binding for 5 years and the muscle mass produced by testosterone has compromised her delicate skeletal structure.
Don't get me wrong. I am a lifelong Democrat who believes that transsexuals deserve respect and compassion. However, the spike in people - especially young people - identifying as trans should give us pause for concern about how they are being treated, and why their underlying mental comorbidities are being discounted.
As a decades long subscriber to the NYT who more than once considered ending the subscription, I am heartened by this piece and sincerely hope that the NYT will continue to show courage in supporting journalists like Paul. We need writers to do true investigative work on this issue. There are currently 11 lawsuits filed by detransitioners in the US and more are coming. Please don't let the vocal minority continue to kick detransitioners to the curb. They too deserve our respect and compassion.
Sincerely,
KHD
One of my favorite results from this fantastic and long-overdue article: hearing from progressive friends who have been slowly learning about this topic over the past few years because they trusted me enough to start learning the truth. "Hey, did you see this in the NYT?" The friends who are true friends, who didn't require this article to validate a point of view that anyone with courage and seeking truth would find. I'm glad they linked to your Substack, congratulations on your work!
I reached out to Pamela Paul to thank her. My book, The Trans Train: A Parent's Perspective on Transgender Medicalization and Ideology came out at the same time! That timing was fortunate because it paved the way for what my book has to say.
I am a lesbian and I am writing to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners. Like Paul, I, too, believe gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. I have been disheartened to see one-sided coverage of LGBT issues and this article is a step in the right direction. I have taken issue with the overwhelming tendency of the NYT to publish articles tracking “anti-LGBT bills”. Pamela Paul’s piece illustrates why the characterization of “anti-LGBT bills” is unfair — many of these bills actually protect people, especially LGB youth and women. We need evidence and science around these new medical interventions that have astounding, irreversible, life-altering consequences for the youth who receive them. Current studies do not meet the typical burden of evidence required to approve pediatric treatment. This is a serious issue and the NYT has a responsibility to cover it neutrally and accurately. Our youth deserve it.
I will consider resubscribing to the NYT if it continues to publish articles like these.
Thank you
I submitted a letter thanking them and telling them my "5-minute pitch" version of my personal experience with a daughter who identifies as trans. I hope more articles like this get posted.
I wrote:
To whom it may concern,
I am the mother of a trans-identified teen, and have been researching the issues surrounding medical transition for close to 5 years now.
I wanted to thank you for publishing the Opinions piece by Pamela Paul entitled Gender Dysphoric Kids Deserve Better Care." It is about time that we highlight the painful lessons learned by detransitioners, and the warnings of experts in the field.
It is important to explain that these same experts (people like Stephanie Winn and Sasha Ayad) have had to endure challenges to their professional licenses for merely speaking their concerns about kneejerk "affirmation," despite both the young age of those claiming a trans-identity and the frequency of co-morbidities (including a high incidence of those on the autism spectrum) and complicated issues involved (including same-sex attraction). Because experts who speak out risk their careers, we do not hear enough about the downside of the "affirmation only" theory of treating the exploding numbers of young people reporting confusion or distress over their sex.
It is also important to note that other countries, who have been ahead of the United States in fashioning treatments for gender dysphoria, have realized, based on systematic reviews of the scientific studies on this issue, that there is no scientific basis for the claim that social and medical transition are a necessary path to happier, healthier young people.
It is my sincere hope to see more such articles in the New York Times, which has always been at the forefront of informing the public about the realities of social, political and scientific issues.
I could not be more grateful to those of you who are organized and working so hard to get this into the mainstream media. Thank you for all that you do and for the support you have give us parents who are living the daily nightmare of watching a child go through this. It is such a complex issue and you are handling it with so much grace.
Here is what I wrote:
I am writing as a parent of a trans identifying teen to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners.
I am in agreement with Ms. Paul that gender dysphoric kids deserve better care. It is essential that parents, teachers, therapists, legislators, and anyone in positions of power understand that gender care is complex and not one-size fits all. It is a dangerous business that is being cloaked in kindness.
One aspect that is so critical for people to understand is the power of social media over our children. My child had no indication of discomfort in her body. She was the happiest child out of my three children; carefree, confident and joyful. Until that first year of having a phone in 6th grade, followed by a world-stopping pandemic for 7th and 8th grade.
By the end of all that she had convinced herself, with the help of several hundred TikTok videos (and Instagram, Pinterest, anime and fandom influences) that she was trans. It made no sense to us based on the child we had raised (and for that I am grateful because had she been a gender non-conforming child, there is a far greater chance that we would have affirmed the new identity, started her on puberty blockers and set her on a path of being a lifelong medical patient).
It took over a year for me to find any information other than Abigail Shrier’s book that resonated with the experience we were having. Everything out there (including therapists we had trusted for years to treat our daughter’s ADHD) said that if we did not affirm, our child might commit suicide. What a choice! We were terrified and affirmed the new name and pronouns.
Since then, we have watched our child’s mental health take a nosedive. How does a 13-year old process when a trusted psychiatrist agrees that you are born in the wrong body rather than working on how you came to that idea? (this happened during the 10 minute check-in for ADHD meds.) Gender is a confusing topic to grapple with for families. Either you affirm all of it and set your child on a path that may not be right for them (and has lifelong consequences) or you try to work on the issues that led your child to this conclusion. In the meantime, the influences your child sees tell them that if their parents don’t affirm the trans identity then they are transphobic and not to be trusted. Those influences include the mainstream media and all of the places I used to go to for trusted information. I know that her father and I love her fiercely and we will do anything we can to prevent her from harming herself even if that means that we have to be seen as the bad guys for a while.
This New York Times article is the first I have seen of mainstream media being bold enough to tackle this complex issue. PLEASE, I beg you. Do not back down. I am sure it took a lot of courage to do this. We need people out there telling the truth. Right now, teachers and therapists all think they are doing the right thing by affirming gender identity and asking for pronouns and preferred names. They think it is kind and inclusive without taking into account the enormous impact that social media has had on these kids. I am one of those teachers. Had it not affected our life in such a profound way, I know that I would not understand the other side of this. I would not think to dig deeper. Please dig deeper and expose this for what it is and help families regain the connections they had before gender broke it all down. We need you in this with us. We rely on you to help the mainstream understand what is going on and what is at stake.
As a parent of a vulnerable teenager who has been swept up in something that would never have crossed her mind had it not been introduced in school and reinforced over and over again on her phone, I am grateful to all of you at the New York Times, in particular Pamela Paul, for doing true investigative work on this incredibly complex issue.
My sincerest thanks,
Email sent! Thank you for continuing to bring this important information to our attention so we can help to support these growing efforts.
Here's what I emailed this morning, Saturday, the 10th, to the Times:
<<To the editor:
As an 80 year old gay man who had a difficult struggle accepting being gay, I had to thank the 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 for publishing Ms Paul's recent op-ed on the difficulties and uncertainties facing children with questions regarding their sexual identification and the parents, health care professionals, and other adults who care for them. I vividly remember being emotionally torn at age 12 or so by emerging attractions for which I had no preparation at all but which I knew were not acceptable. I had heard of "queers", of course, but thought they were some sort of mythical creature, something like vampires. I must be the only real one in the world.
What has alarmed me most seriously about the debate about best practices in the care and treatment of youngsters expressing unconventional sexual behaviors or feelings is seeing the long term studies of pubescent children showing signs and symptoms of gender dysphoria (GD) and concluding that 70 to 90 percent of them will mature into perfectly ordinary gay or lesbian teens, 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 the adults caring for them do not interfere by administering opposite sex hormones or drugs approved for cancer treatment such as GnRHa but used here off-label. What frightens me is the memory of thinking at that age, among several theories I invented trying to account for what I was feeling, was that I was in some inexplicable way "really" a girl. After all, only girls are attracted to boys, or so I thought. Fortunately, I read in one of my mother's old college Psychology textbooks that a significant minority of boys, perhaps a third of them or so, experiment with same-sex activities but grow out of it. That fact gave me an explanation for my turmoil I could accept at least for a few years until, that is, I had to admit to myself I was not "growing out of it".
My experience convinces me that individuals who grow up entirely in an ordinary, conventional heterosexual way cannot, 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘭𝘦, even imagine what It is like for kids growing up with sexual minority feelings and attractions. They certainly would not have the preposterous idea that "the kids know who they are." Given that even the most enthusiastic proponents of aggressive "affirming" treatment of minors will admit there is no way to predict whether a suspected GD or non-conforming minor will grow up gay/lesbian or trans, the utmost caution must be applied before starting any treatment with largely unknown, poorly studied long-term side effects. At present, every report would show that such caution is not being exercised, to the contrary, that there is a head-long rush into treatments with huge risks and far from certain benefits.
Yours truly,
John Robert
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android>>
Sadly, this morning, I also saw an item on ABC News that read like a regurgitation of all the propaganda of the most extreme trans ideologues.
https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/researchers-dive-common-gender-affirming-care-youth-misconceptions/story?id=107041920
Rats! Just received acknowledgement from the Times. It says, "To be considered for publication, letters should include the writer’s name, address, current location (where you are writing from) and daytime and evening phone numbers at your current location (for verification, not publication). " I looked for such instructions but failed to find them.
Here's what I sent:
am writing as a mother of a transgender identified teen to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s piece on detransitioners, “As Kids, They Thought They Were Trans. They No Longer Do.” Given the speed at which American gender dysphphoric youth are moved through ‘Gender Affirming Care’ toward puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and surgeries, many families could have benefitted from more articles like this much earlier on.
As Pamela Paul demonstrates, the topic is complex and the dominant narrative is misleading. Three years ago, I thought I understood this topic. I thought it was simply about about kindness, acceptance, and inclusivity (or lack thereof). And then my own kid announced a trans identity out of the blue, and only then did I realize how much I didn't know. I found my way to alternative narratives that made more sense based on our family's experience, but I know that many kids and their families were not so lucky.
The voices of detransitioners are providing critical context, and increasingly, doctors, therapists, researchers and other professionals are refusing to stay quiet about what they know to be true. I sincerely hope The New York Times will continue to make space for such voices, so that we can have the fullest picture possible in order to make informed decisions and hold experts accountable. Surely, that is still what newspapers are for?
Dear NYT,
Yes! Gender dysphoric kids DO deserve better!!
I am a lifelong Democrat (but maybe not for much longer, due to this gender craze), as well as the mother of a gender confused daughter who is now on her way to desisting from a trans identity these last few years. This is no thanks to the liberal world that we inhabit, but my instinct as a parent knew to find the common sense and critical thinking that is out there.
It's been hard to find, but people like Pamela Paul, Bari Weiss, Lisa Selin-Davis, Jesse Singal, Meghan Daum, Helen Joyce, Hannah Barnes and a few others have been the beacon of light in this gender fogged media world. I have been disappointed with you in the past NYT, for stoking this belief that this is a political fight between the compassionate left and the cruel right. I used to consider myself a progressive liberal until the transgender movement entered my house - my 13 year old lonely and confused autistic daughter. The media that I had relied on for years betrayed me with the extremely biased reporting on this issue - never mentioning parents like me (non-republicans against medicalizing children), or detransitioners, or the doctors and scientists and therapists voicing concerns, or the many medical harms and complications that befall these children and young adults.
I have even unsubscribed to the NYT, a couple of times I believe, over bad reporting on this issue. As a subscriber now though, I wanted to write today and tell you how grateful I am that you had the courage to do the right thing and print Pamela Paul's brilliant and comprehensive article. I know you and she are getting an immense amount of pushback, as I'm sure you expected. But you have finally represented the other sides to this story. It felt like you were talking about me, a liberal parent fighting for the health of her kid. I cannot thank you enough and I really really hope you will continue to print more and more truthful and fact based articles regarding common sense people against medicalizing gender in children. By the looks of the comments on these articles, that is what your audience wants too.
Email sent! I have no trans family, only my children’s friends (increasing by the week/month!) but I’m watching the ideology take a grip on the culture like a virus, doing horrific damage, choking out free speech, women’s rights, taking children’s innocence and freedom to be children, taking healthy bodies and minds. I find it unbelievable how brainwashed many of my good friends have become with all the relentless rainbow diversity and inclusion training. It is truly a masterful propaganda campaign. I love your Substack and I watch all your interviews :-) keep up the great work!
I submitted a letter.
Kendra Morrigan from Oregon
My letter to the NY Times
I am a lesbian, a mother, a grandmother and a woman who cares about the wellbeing of children. I want to thank you for publishing Pamela Paul’s OpEd on detransitioning because it is a topic that deserves serious exposure and conversation. Many young people have been and are being harmed by gender ideology and transition. We don’t speak about it because we do not want to hurt or offend, lose our jobs, our businesses or our following. But the cost of not speaking up deepens the cultural divide and further harms confused children.
Gender affirming care is a form of “gay conversion therapy” and should not be happening to young children or teens. I have met several young women who transitioned before they realized they were lesbians. They are hurt and angry at the lack of counseling they got and now live with the life long consequences of deep voice, facial hair, no breasts and no support from the trans community.
If we can’t acknowledge a problem, we can’t begin to fix it. Fortunately, you, the NY Times, were brave enough to print something that exposes a serious harm being done to young people. I know there will be pushback because those who embrace gender ideology have zero tolerance for exposing or questioning the harm done by gender affirmation. They waste no time in affirming and transitioning, with little concern for long term wellbeing.
I hope your paper will continue to show courage in these difficult times. When the media is not free to cover controversy, freedom of thought and expression are compromised. This OpEd is a step in the right direction and hopefully you will support more investigative work on the impact of gender ideology and how it affects young people and women. And depending on how brave you want to be, please consider exposing the medical, psychiatric and pharmaceutical role in promoting and benefiting from gender affirmation. I think people would be interested.
With hopes for a free and fair tomorrow,
Kendra Morrigan
Thank you so much for bringing this article to my attention. I have recently started following you on substack and am so grateful for your courageous work. I am so happy the author included your interview. Well done. I emailed NY Times as well. Keep up the good work.