Adventures in Lesbian Dating Apps

I am a same-sex attracted female, highly masculinized, first by a rare ovotesticular intersex condition, and then by my decision at age 33 to take testosterone. I lived as a butch lesbian from age 16 to 33, and then as “trans man” for 18 years.

Older butch lesbians and trans men have long been in community with each other.

Many lesbians and trans men are in romantic relationships with each other.

But, in recent years, our community has been ripped apart by prioritizing “gender identity” over our sex and sexual orientation.

Recently single, I decided to try an experiment - to hold a tiny bit of dyke space in the form of lesbian dating apps recently.

My first meander was over to an app called Pink Cupid. My headline was explicit: “Old school FTM/butch”. No deception. I didn’t have much of a chance to browse. I was banned almost immediately. No men allowed! Though I noticed profiles of several transwomen before being shown the door out.

Next was the app HER. For women only. On the plus side, I haven’t been banned yet. But the only available prospects for women-loving-women in my neck of the woods were 3 middle-aged transwomen doing their best KD Lang impersonation by doing nothing but awkwardly tilting their head a little.

Ok, over to Lesbian Singles. Sounds promising…

I didn’t find any lesbians. About half of the profiles were straight men. The rest were transwomen and straight/bi/bicurious women looking for a hookup.

What about Pink, which is also a “Women only” app? You have to pay to use any of the features but I was able to create a profile and browse for free. Looks more promising as far as the ratio of women, but all under the age of 25, and a few middle-aged transwomen, one of whom had a stubbly beard and a pink wig on.

This is dismal.

I’m so sorry.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad for lesbians. No sacred ground.

If any feminine women feel nostalgic for the good ol’ days of lesbian bars, potlucks, Ani Di Franco’s college circuit, placing bets at folk festivals that Ferron will or will not finish a set before storming off….If you’d like to challenge an old-school FTM to a game of Catan (I’m competitive). If you’re egalitarian, but butch masculinity and chivalry melt you, like how the softness of a woman melts me…I guess we’re hanging out in the shadows again darlin’. We’ll be ok. We’ve done this before. Just like when we’d go downtown at night, to that unmarked building on a rough street, which, on the inside, felt like the safest place on earth, where we’d find love on the dance floor, or over a few drinks, or a game of pool, before stumbling out into the savage street again at closing time. We’ll find each other, and our ground again.

My unsolicited advice to transwomen:

It’s false ground to claim lesbian spaces. It’s selfish, and a harm to lesbians. Show some respect. You’re not a lesbian. You’re something else, and you need to create your own spaces, just like lesbians have, with their own money, time and effort.

And, by the way, an unintentional, unperformed head tilt and a genuine smile works better…here’s my profile pic: